Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
