Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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