People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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