So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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