i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
