I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
