dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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