Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
