I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
