Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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