Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
