Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
