Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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