You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
