afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
