Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
