apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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