my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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