Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
