Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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