Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
