mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
God I need to hump something, right now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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