"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
