I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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