hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
