Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
