something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
