Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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