she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i wish my penis had a tongue
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
