god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
