Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
