sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
