its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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