my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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