So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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