Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
