That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
