I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
