i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
