I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
