i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Randomize
