Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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