You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
