He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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