mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
