I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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