i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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