if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
