You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
