I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize