He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
