just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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