can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
