i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Randomize
