and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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