Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
